Today on B.S. Non-911:

Transported a Patient from one of the outlying county to a suppose higher level of care facility.  Our patient had been waiting patiently at this outlying center for most of the night.  The patient was assigned a room by the receiving facility in the wee hours of the morning and my unit was dispatched to do the transport.  Might I add that this is not the same nameless place that are the usual setting of my medical antidotes but another one that I am having to help out because the bean counters of my primary employment, in their infinite wisdom, decided to give me more hours with less pay.  Therefore I must supplement my income with even more hours but at a different nameless place.  

The ride was uneventful and the traffic was light.  We arrived at the building that housed the old Georgia Baptist facility and made our way with the stretcher towards the elevators.  A well meaning soul directed us to the service elevators where we awaited one to take us to a higher level.  We awaited alright.  Although this trunk wasn't busy the elevators seemed to be a flashback to the old mule pulled types of over a century or more ago.  These service elevators were more literal to their name than we were comfortable with, i.e: they needed servicing.

The ascending ride had the three of us wishing we had more life insurance for our love ones.  With a most welcome sight of the doors finally opening again, we were deposited on our desired floor.  

From there we headed to the room that was assigned for our patient.  The nurses at the station were having an intense discussion about the private lives of others they were aquatinted with and waved us on.  A check of the board reaffirmed that we were indeed headed towards the correct designation with our patient; the said board had both our patient's name and patient physician's name next to the assigned room number.

About halfway from the nurses station and the room we were accused with a very loud "Excuse Me! Where are you going?"   We looked around and saw no one but assumed that the noise could have come from the before mention nurses station.  My partner back tracked to the station to see what was wanted by the staff and I waited with our patient to ensured the patient's safety.

This was at 5 minutes after the hour.

At 10 minutes after the hour my partner came back and said that the big board lied to us, that the originating facility had lied to us and that "they" were trying to rectify the error.  This didn't set well with our patient.  At 15 minutes after the hour, a relative who was going to stay with the patient poked their head out of the originally assigned room, and wonder what was going on.  This relative had been sitting in the fore mentioned room for over 1/2 an hour by this time.  By the 20 minute mark my patient had had enough of this additional waiting and instructed us to place them in the original room.  Since the "hippo" tends to ravish EMS personnel who divulge patient's confidentiality, I am not at liberty to say what the patient condition was that was causing the excruciating discomfort from being on the stretcher for an extended period of time but it was quite evident of the patient's relief once they were no longer require to lounge on the yellow sedan chair.  

My partner was finishing up with the patient and I was readying the stretcher for a decent back to the krackenwagan when I heard that disembodied voice again, followed by the sound of rapidly approaching steps.  {rut r'ho!}

In what could only be described as a perfect imitation of the voice and mannerism of Candy Chipmonk from Annimaniac came... "nursey".  

"Excuse Me!  What do you think you are doing?"

Priceless!  I couldn't help myself.

"I am readying this stretcher so we can depart."

"That is not the right room and we are trying to find out what the proper room is.  You need to take her to the right room."

In my normal Joe Friday voice, the one I use to deal with special people, I informed her that we had put the patient were the patient requested, our responsibility had ended.

"Excuse ME!", she has now totally gotten into the Candy Chipmonk character, "BUT YOU NEED to take THAT patient to another floor."

You're kidding me, right?

"I'm sorry but you need to take that up with the patient."

She was standing at the foot of the stretcher, blocking my passage, and she shoved my stretcher in the general direct of the room, "you need to get that patient NOW!"

Oh Hell No She Didn't!

I had the stretcher and I decided that a vacancy of the general area would be in order but she blocked my path.  

"Move out of my way, Now!"

I had broken Joe Friday mode, I was ready to load "nursey" on my stretcher and allow it to go transcend to the lower levels via the stairwells.  The illegal detaining of myself was not setting well.  Her savior quickly came down the hall in the form of a caricature of Cheer Bear.  Cheer Bear begin to remonstrate me for my "unprofessionalism".  I quickly resized the situation and realized that it was now two prevaricator that I was faced with.  I decided that the best course of action would be to practice the Nipponese art of Kōrudoshorudā.   At this time my partner made his appearance along with the patient.  After a verbal exchange, that wasn't of the exchanging of pleasantry, the patient agreed to go and check out the substitution, but giving the "nurseys" fair warning that if the other room was not as good if not better then the patient would return.

This time we found the regular elevators and use them to descend to the proposed floor.  We were met by the nurse manager on this floor and our patient only look once towards the offered room and then started in on the nursing manager.  I agreed with the patient.  This hospital clearly had two levels of accommodations and the offered replacement was more on the line of a poorly unkept nursing home. The nursing manager started to argue back and my patient arose to the occasion.  In a voice of command that would have frozen a Marine Gunnery Sergeant in his track, and also without the single use of a derogatory word, my patient informed why the offered room was unacceptable, and that the original room WILL be the only acceptable room.

Bravo!

The nurse manager retreated for a moment and upon return informed the patient that the original room would be theirs.  I'da paid money to have seen that performance.

So, again we were off to the original room with our patient.  Again we had to pass the nurses station and instead of the earlier chatter there was the solemnity of shift change, hence the opposition to our patients arrival.

Our patient was delivered this time without incident and like old friends who have survived a harrowing experience we said our goodbyes and departed. My partner still needed the PCR signed, so a stop back at the nurses station was in order.  One of the on coming nurses signed in a perfunctory manner and I was able to spot Candy Chipmonk in the background, on the phone, and looking like she was none to happy with life.  C'est la vie.

Once we finally return to the barn, my partner had gave a full report to the boss by phone, my boss looked at me and said, "I'm sorry you had to put up with that,man."

I looked at him and said, "That's the exact reason why EMS does not need to be armed."

All in earshot got a good laugh out of that.

{A tip of the hat to Michael Sean O'hara}